I wasn't going to post today. Not because of the sentiment of the day but because it was such a busy week with the blog that I am going to put the computer away for the weekend soon. But here I am, compelled to write, so this is what we have today.
First of all, today is my mom's birthday. She would have been 58. Normally, days like today that have significant meaning would have gotten me all twisted up. I would have gone to bed nervous and woke up anxious to see what would trigger a meltdown. But that knot of pain isn't there this year. I can say it hasn't been there in awhile. Maybe it was the wave a relief that came over me after my brother's wedding. Maybe time just really does heal. Whatever it is, I feel much more peaceful than I have in a long time. Maybe it was the comment that a friend's husband made the other night via Facebook: "I don't know who Tracy Fixen is, but she by far has the best profile picture." That made my night when she sent me that. It also made me look at that picture and think about the feeling that went with it at the moment it was taken.
This was after my little brother married the girl of his dreams. This was after I was a train wreck, bawl-baby bridesmaid. This was after my hubby went and got me a drink, without me asking! This was after we ate some delicious food. This was after socializing with family who made the trip to Arizona. This was during my all time favorite wedding song, "The Electric Slide" which I probably had to cuss the DJ out to play because he was kind of pompous. This was probably after my brother told me, "The DJ hates you." But it was most definitely after one of the final "Mom's Not Here" moments. It was a photo of relief. It was a photo of escape. It was a photo of peace. It was like a huge wave of pain left that night. My little brother was married. That was it. My last moments of needing to mother him were over.
I also wanted to post today because of the comments and emails I have received today and that have made me cry with joy. First email from a friend "calling me out" just as I asked yesterday. I've been teetering about signing up for a half marathon. She said that she'd like to hear me say that "I am going to EMBRACE the strength and endurance to do this!" instead of just saying 'maybe'. I felt so blessed to have a friend like that, how can I say no know?! Well then another friend sent me an online running challenge so, GULP, I am doing this. The second email came from someone who thanked me for reminding them to enjoy the life they are living right now; to enjoy the hectic schedule of their kids and to know that her kids are growing up quickly. Then of course there are the comments of "I feel the same way sometimes!" or "Are you in my head?!?!" which not only make me smile but provide me the motivation to keep writing, to keep pursuing whatever this is right now.
So thank you this week, from the bottom of my heart. I feel my angel is with me. I feel embraced by many. Today I feel heavenly.