The Dark Side

Last week was ugly. I mean, real ugly. I don't even know who I was, ugly. I've decided that the motherhood journey is like a constant switch being flipped on and off. One minute you're on. You're freaking Mom of the Year. The next minute, you're ready to flip your shit at the next person (or canine) that needs something from you. Everyone feels it. Your husband quietly ushers the child(ren) out of sight waiting for the storm to pass, praying he doesn't get in the line of fire too. I don't know if it was the fact that we kicked off last week with a full moon or if it was PMS but it really didn't matter what I did, I was not shaking the frustration and failure that I felt last week and there were plenty of tears shed. Like I said, it was ugly. I sat down at my computer several times, wanting to blog about how upset I was, wanting to try to use writing to put my feelings into perspective. Nothing. I got nothing. I had vowed to you that I wasn't going to post grump and well, grump was all you were going to get. Trust me, I saved you. I have five drafts just wading in the shallow end over here. The reason that I even mention it at all is because I want you to know that even people who try to put their best foot forward every day, have down days too. That not everything is awesome all the time. And that's ok. Not everything is awesome all the time and that's ok. As long as you figure out how to turn it around. In my son's defense, he has a nasty cold. And when he's sick he becomes this unbearably whiny-to-only-mom child. Sure, I should feel special that he repeats "Momma" over and over again. Yeah, I know these days aren't going to last and someday he will be telling me to get lost instead of needing me. You bet, I kept thinking of my "I Noticed" post in hopes it would make me appreciate the moments. It didn't matter. I just didn't know what to do with him, how to help him, or even how to help myself.

I had finally had two moments over the weekend that helped pull me back into shape. One was our monthly scheduled girls' time. Every month I get together with five of my girlfriends. We've been doing it for a year now. After every meeting, I realize how much I need it and how much more I appreciate it. I think the best part was when a fellow girlfriend revealed that she too had a bat shit crazy night where her children were driving her nuts. She called her husband to bring chocolate home with him. He thought it was to share! Ha! She took that bag of chocolate, drew herself a bath, and hid for the night. But her telling that story and sharing that feeling made me realize that we are all in this together. We are all going to have bad days. We are going to need our husbands to bring chocolate (or booze) home with them.

The second thing that snapped me out of it: my mini meltdown on Sunday. It was my husband's birthday and I was trying to make the weekend special but frankly didn't have enough steam left after the week. I'm not exactly sure what the tipping point was but it ended with me taking a shower just so I could go cry. Just so I could get it out of my system. As I stood there post-shower, looking in the mirror at my ungraceful cry face, many thoughts went through my head. I let them race. I let them flow through. Finally, the tears just stopped and I looked at myself and thought, "What are you going to do? Stand in here forever. Pull your shit together. Enough's enough. Go be a mom. Go be a wife." So I did. So we had a crappy week. So hubby didn't have an amazeballs birthday. So what? No one else was going to get me through this but me.

So sometimes when it feels like nothing can go right, just look in the mirror and ask yourself what YOU are going to do about it. How are you going to pull yourself back from the dark side?