Normally, I try to make sure my blog posts end with some sort of positive, parental pep talk. A message that I know others would appreciate but something that I always need to hear too. I like to talk about the reality of being in the toddler trenches. I enjoy being encouraging to others, sending positive prayer and words whenever I can. For everyone in the toddler trenches, we know that the days are long and the years are short. We are often reminded of things like "This too shall pass" or "You will miss this some day". We recite mantras and breath prayers to get us through our days, hoping and praying we loved enough and didn't yell too much. It's funny how many people relate to what I write but I wonder how many know that I'm really writing to myself. Writing to myself to get it together; to myself to be better; to myself to just relax and say yes more; and to myself to realize there is light at the end of the tunnel and tomorrow is a new day.
Today is not one of those days.
Today, I quit.
Yes, today, I quit.
Today was a trying day. I've been working harder than ever to balance life at home with a toddler with an at home business. I've been purposeful with my time. I've been attentive and loving. I've been flexible with schedule and have set aside some procrastination ways. But today? Everything felt like a lost battle.
Yes, there was so much good in the day. I got almost my entire cleaning list done. I got several business items completed. I read my bible study book with some coffee. I sat with my toddler and read stories. I was diligent about cleaning up after meals. My tot napped. I included him on the moments where he asked if he could help. Honestly, up until 2pm today, I was knocking the day out of the park. But there was a massive switch after my son woke up from nap. And in those few hours, I just decided throwing in the towel was easier today.
He asked every question multiple times despite getting an answer. He pushed every button possible. He whined about not getting the snack he wanted, when he wanted. He promised up and down that he was going to be a good boy without tears at my bible study today. In fact, he was doing amazing and I was able to pay attention (alone) for about five whole minutes until I heard his cries in the background. You see, someone tried talking to him. He was playing so nicely alone because the stinker had LOCKED himself in the basement alone and had been playing by himself for a good 20 minutes. No babysitter bothered him. No kid try to take his toy. But then he was approached and his plan all fell a part. I had told myself today that if he had a meltdown we were leaving. So we did.
And I cried. I cried the whole way home. He didn't dare speak to me and I certainly wasn't talking to him. We got home and I sent him to his room and told him to stay in there until his father came to talk to him. Through my own tears, I shut our bedroom door and told my husband I was done for the day. That I quit. I sat on my bed and through my tears started googling what to do with a shy child. Do I need to get him in daycare? Do I need to be tougher? Do I need to be more lenient? Do I need to understand there's a lot of change going on in our home right now and that he can sense it? Do I need to have someone watch him part time? Do I need to rotate babysitters so he knows every teen in the neighborhood? Do I need to quit talking about it in front of him because I'm giving off a bad vibe about his behavior? Will he grow out of this? How worried should I really be? The list goes on.
So while I could wrap up this post telling you that it's going to be ok and try to find the bright side to all of this, tonight, I'm not. Tonight, I'm just going to quit. I'm going to let tears fall. I'm going to respect what life is at the moment and just pray. Because sometimes, that's all you can do.