I never thought of my self as someone with anxiety. I knew I was impatient. I knew I was an introvert. I knew I didn't handle crowds well or intense social situations. But to flat out say that I have anxiety? I don't think it ever crossed my mind.
That all changed last August. A dear friend of mine talked me into seeing Beth Moore live in Fargo. I had been on a spiritual journey for over a year (thanks to this dear friend's encouragement) so she must have thought I was ready for this next step to attend a conference like this. Seven months pregnant mind you. No emotional hormones to worry about at all here...
If you aren't familiar with Beth Moore, and I wasn't before this conference, she is an evangelist who doesn't have an assigned topic until closer to the show. She prays about what the women coming to the conference need to hear. As the conference video started the word/theme of the event flashed across the screen.
You could almost feel the entire venue of women chuckle and say, "That's me!". But at first my thoughts were, "I don't have anxiety. Am I really supposed to be here? What am I going to get out of this?". Until I went home and told my husband about it. He said with a chuckle, "Well, that message is sure meant for you!".
Say what? (Jaw drop...)
Like I said, I knew I had zero patience. I knew I was an introvert. But I didn't think of myself as an anxious person. But I guess I wasn't as cool and collected as I thought I was!
I feel my true moments of anxiety really blossomed with having our second child. Things I didn't even expect have bothered me. I wasn't real keen on many people visiting when she was born. I didn't want to pass her around at social events or in public places. I am not a huge fan of people I don't know touching her. I didn't realize how much other kids LOVE babies and feel the need to be all over them (this just happened today at the library). I also didn't think my oldest child would make me so anxious either! Our baby's temperament has been a breeze so far but keeping my cool with my three year old?? It's rare. I have jokingly told people I start the day as Mary Poppins but by 3pm the Wicked Witch of the West shows up! Every. Single. Day. Taking two kids to town causes anxiety because a) where do you put all your groceries with two kids in the cart? and b) everyone is on a short time line when running errands! That errand running anxiety is worse when my husband comes with because he just doesn't get that kids are little ticking time bombs when it comes to how many stops you can make before everyone is in tears. No offense to him, but it just doesn't help.
I love our new baby more than anything, but it hasn't been all roses. She is three and a half months and I am just now feeling like I can start writing about some of my true thoughts about bringing her home and into our family. I just didn't see all these feelings coming transitioning to two children. I knew there were going to be changes. I knew things were going to have their hard moments but NONE of them are what I expected. Well, except for that whole grocery shopping cart dilemma.